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Inside Morphina
11 most recent entries

Date:2004-02-16 16:08
Subject:check this link! Good luck to all of those who are trying
Security:Public
Mood: lethargic

      
Marriage is love.

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Date:2004-02-16 15:03
Subject:MMM fudge
Security:Public
Mood: hungry

My vampy friend Lilith just gave me a begoths.com pin, it is so adorable. I am at work munching very lightly on my ultra yummy fudge from Disneyland. I can't believe the suprises this weekend. First of all Jason was in extreme pain from cracking his neck wrong on Friday. It actually made him really sick, he called his mom and her doctor husband and is dealing with everything today but during the entire weekend he was in pain but trooped through none the less. He completely caught me off guard, he first suprised me with an hilarious card w/ a $60 Victorias certificate in it and an Tim Burton "Pin Cushion Queen" journal. The journal is absolutely adorable and even has blinking lights! I love all of Tim Burtona spooky little characters. Then we played around a bit and set out for our day. He didn't tell me where we were going and kept strategically pointing out stuff when signs would be coming up then when we finally got to the back entrance to the Disneyland parking lot I flipped!!! Disney is the best ever! It was very crowded and we walked around a bit, he was just in awful pain so I offered to head home, he said he had to stop by the passport place first and we had dinner reservations for 8 p.m. So we stood in line forever and finally got in there. I stood to the side while he did his stuff and then she asked him if he'd had a passport before. I thought that was so weird considering he just handed her his passport. Then she asked the name and he said Leah, I was dumbfounded by far.. I didn't know what to do other than squeel and make a scene so I did. I was so suprised. He's really good at pulling things off. Will have to watch that one. I got some fudge and we went to the "Storytellers" restaurant over at the California Adventure resort. The food was really good. Poor thing was miserable , I kept offering to box things and leave but he stuck it through. We went home and had kinky ass playtime which I was not expecting considering how he was feeling. But my outfit did the trick. Then we put a heat pack on his neck before bed. Sunday was pretty laid back, we went to the restaurant on the pier and had dinner then afterwards I finally met a couple of his friends. They were very cool which made me feel so much better. I am nervous when meeting the friends of mates. Not allways but sometimes you come across over protective snots that mean well but are uncomfortable to be around and that was not the case at all. I wound up just staying over sunday night and drove to work this morning. It was hell on earth on the freeways. I fucking hated it, it took me just barely under two hours to get here. Too god damn far. So tonight I am going to call Dennis and hopefully get the key for my apt. so I can start moving stuff in there. Jason has to work this weekend so I am still contemplateing waiting two weeks to see him or driving down and hanging around till he gets off work and spend the evenings with him. We'll see it depends on wether or not I get the keys to the apt. I figure it will be better to take advantage of the time off. I hate that we don't get to be together very much. Is probably good in the long run though. Since we are going to eventually live together it's better we don't get all bannanas. My head hurts sooo much today. I missed my therapy apt. this morning and won't be going in again until wed. man I can't wait for that. My back is extra sore. I am so freakin hungry wish the girls didn't order from juniors I want pizza. I've got a hankerin for it for some reason. Well I am tire of burning my eyes looking at this screen so I am closing for now.

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Date:2004-02-12 15:55
Subject:Jesus Christ!
Security:Public
Mood: cranky

I wish I could just run my own buisness, I am so fucking sick of working for someone else and picking up their slack. Then when I don't getting blamed for their faults! Fuck this. I want to go back to bartending and cocktailing but don't ever want to go back to maxdons as an employee, that place fucking broke me in half and spit me out w/in 2 years. Screw that, a little discomfort is definitely worth my sanity. I miss the group that I am in (Severe Society) the meetings have gone from wed. to sun. so now I don't go to them because that is the only time I see Jason at all. He picks me up fri. night and brings me home sun. night. I am not going to be staying in west hollywood anymore and hope that Katie (cat) takes well to Sid (my cat) so I won't have to worry about that situation anymore.I really need to just give in and work in the Antelope Valley if that is where I am going to be fucking living but FUCK I feel like such a failure compared to what I set out to do. Things seem to be working themselves out as far as Jason is concerned so I know that he is a good decision, that's not the only reason of course. It is going to be such a big change though. Now that I am not at Rays it's just too expensive on gas. Should I just give in and find a stupid ass job in A.V. until I can get to San Clemente or try to afford things the way they are? I'll have to talk things out with Jason this weekend. What a romantic subject huh?. Oh well he is just like me so he will understand. It's so dd how much alike we are. I can't fucking believe i have no god damn car insurance! Those fucking people that is going to put me so fucking far behind. I am getting in that freakin small space again. Feeling trapped and anxious, not sure what to do. Too many things on my plate again. need to call Ray in palmdale, I feel like such a dick that he left that letter and I never called him since. I would hate me if I were him.

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Date:2004-02-09 16:38
Subject:New things
Security:Public
Mood: artistic

Well I have actually been damn productive today for a change. i went to therapy I deposited rent in the bank and even looked up info on schools and have info being sent to me froma few different places that offer classes leading up to "Holistic Practitioner". I am very excited about that. Barbara called me this morning to ask if I would be her maid of honor! I can't believe she's getting married. I am very glad to have heard that he asked her in front of everyone including suzanne. Not suprised to hear that Suzanne was the one to make a toast. She would, just to spite. Well Valentines is coming up and I hope Jason likes what I got for him. I think the puzzle I got for us both is fuckin rad! Was funny how I just saw it on the way out of Micheals, which reminds me I need to pick up the border from there after work. Can't decide if I want to drop by the Suicide Girl meeting or just drive straight to palmdale. Not real big on being on the site really. All depends on the pay which I have a feeling is not much. Hmmmm.Well Sir is going to print something so the computer will probably flash out so am gonna quit. Jeese this thing is silly.

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Date:2004-01-08 16:30
Subject:Been awhile
Security:Public
Mood: creative

So it's been way to long since I've posted suprise suprise. No reason to try and catch up. For those of you who know me it won't matter. Anway hung out with james last night. Hadn't seen him in awhile. We exchanged x-mas gifts, got me Gaimans The Sandman Endless Nights, it's such a beautiful book. He liked the monkey and shirt I got him. Goth monkeys rule!!! From my last post I must say James and I are friends, nothing more. So we went and got some subway and were invited to go hang at goul school. I have never before felt out of place at an gothic club. I was completely unprepared, I was still wearing my jeans baseball tee and cons from work. Whatever had a good time anyway, still felt odd though. Which is very weird in itself. So I have actually been asked out on an date friday night by this guy I met online. Funny I actually e-mailed him hopeing he wouldn't think me to bold and now he's gonna take me to see Big Fish, can't wait! And we're gonna go to Louise's Trattoria on Melrose. Haven't been there before but am more than happy to go, love italian.He seems pretty cool. We have a shit load in common, but we'll see. Was supposed to go to Mikes last night but he crapped out and had to work late. I think he's way too adorable and funny, think we'll wind up being more of the type of friends that bullshit online and visit once in an blue moon. I am amazed at how many new peole I have met online. Never thought it would be a safe or cool thing but so far it's been better than trying to meet people on my own. At least I can get an outline of them first online for the most part.Wish I didn't have to take my acrylics off. I fuckin hate my hands with short nails. I think I found Heather on MySpace but the fuckin site has been down since last night. I have an shoot with Kelly Lind on the 20th am stoked on that. I need to freakin find out if I'll be able to shoot at Phsycho City so I can shoot with Chad I am such an fan of his work....Why is it when people get what they ask for they freak!!!!!!!! I've met so many men and women that want a "down ass chick" with brains, beauty, and no bull-shit. Well here I fuckin am and so far all I get is "buddies" or I'm just too much. I am a perfect half nelson, very masculine and feminine. What's so fuckin hard about that? I wish I could have gone to bond con with everyone else...:( Hate being fuckin broke. This is bull shit. I need a better paying job again since I'm not doing sessions and only doing the desk. $75 a day is by far not enough. Need a god damn stable place as well. Tired of going between cities. My poor car is getting run into the ground way to fast, she's doing well but way too many miles will catch up soon.

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Date:2003-10-29 12:50
Subject:I love a parade.......
Security:Public
Mood: drained

Boy it just keeps getting better and better, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. At the very least at least my life is bitter sweet instead of just bitter. Things at work are in a uproar. I am soo out of control on the inside right now. I finally got to talk to this guy I had met at Industry a couple weeks ago. we have literally been playing phone tag for two weeks. very amazing person. I can tell I am going to have to watch my rationality with him, he's smart, funny, easy as hell to talk to, and very attractive. He's not into BDSM the way I am and that's kind of a big deal as far as potential for being "special" friends. As well he hangs out with a car club, and as much as I like that I am intimidated by it becuase of the "family" drama. But then again, hell I don't know. I need to just focus on getting my ass in my own little apt. and getting steady work. I got invited to go to a independant film "scarefest" at the silent theatre tommorrow night. Of course the first person I thought of was my Odey, wonder how he is? Need to call him. I hate not having a cell phone. I need to give in and spend the money and but one. When I'm not in palmdale I don't like to call long distance and it sems like evryone I know has an different fuckin area code. The Scarefest sounds like it will be fun, they will be showing sci-fi and horror independant films and will judge them and give awards. Silent Razor should be there!!!! I need to get ahold of Eric too. I swear he has to be one of the most patient friends I have. I forgot once again all about live journal so haven't written in awhile. ray and I have been very much connecting on a teleconnetic level the past couple days. I didn't realize that he had the capabilities that he does. he can channel very vey well. He gets worn out and it's hard on him but I am still amazed none the less. Had a long night the other night with him. He has been going through alot. wish I could be there for Barbara more. She cried the last time I saw her because she misses me, that really hurt. I miss her craziness very much too but just can't give up and head back to the a.v. permanently not yet. It's been going down hill the past month or two but I have faith that it will get better.Damn I really should have shaved my underarms today. I've got little pricklies. That's the worst now my pits will be all annoyed by the end of the day. haha I know everyone was wondering that. This guy James really left an impression on me. There's just somethin about him. What's really off the wall is I actually met him several months ago at the I.E.C. fashion show. He was the one of the "creeps" that I went up to and asked about some guy that was claiming he was with that group and owed my friend Jolene an apology. we realized it when we were talking last night. he's half native american and is actually educated on his family, and his beliefs are very similar to mine in the spiritual sense. I feel I could learn alot from him. Yeah I'm definitely going to have to watch myself with this one. as much as I want a mate... NO WAY, I am not going through even more hell again, not yet. Talked to Brendan last night, was really nice. Hope to hang out soon. Halloween Ray and I are going to be hags from the renaissance era. We are going to cruise Santa Monica Blvd. I guess. Dustin is gonna come with too. I've never been on the blvd. for halloween but from what I hear it should be alot of fun, and convenient as far as close to home too. i can't wait to see all the costumes. I wish this renching feeling in my stomach would o away. For some reason I have been carrying my stress in my tummy lately. Usually it's in my shoulders and back. I need to lose weight again. I haven't been eating good at all and haven't been working out as well. I wish things weren't so dumb with Ian. I really felt we connected at one time. melissa hasn't called in over a week. I feel like an asshole in hat case. I really should not have waited so long to get ahold of her the last time and should have been more attentive to her. She is a really great girl it's just the long distance thing. I really need to get a fuckin phone. I think next week I'll go to lancaster and get my pager turned back on and get a pre-paid phone. I really need to get crackin with my web-site. eric is going to help as an b-day gift!!!!!! I am sooo excited. Can't believe how everything has blown up at work, I really hope I find something soon.

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Date:2003-10-13 17:53
Subject:Jeese...I need to settle down
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated

I think I need to write on paper when I get that emottional. Just had performance at Industry last night with Severe Society!! It went well. The club didn't have very many people but was a good time none the less. I'm very excited about the troup. Can't wait till we get more tight and together!!! Will post our next performance date when I get it. Severe Society will definitely be performing at "Score" on the 25th of this month for club Naked.

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Date:2003-10-09 19:59
Subject:apartment stories cont....
Security:Public

Well I just turned in my rental app. and talked to the landlord this morning. Should find out by tommorrow or saturday at the latest what the story is. I am sooo tired of stressing on this shit. There wasn't supposed to be a credit check but of course there is now. All I have are unpaid old medical bills but my credit is very bad because of it. I let him know that but we'll see. This weekend Severe Society will be doing it's first show since we've recently formed. I am soo excited. I just wish the filming wouldn't be running from 3 a.m. to dawn! Severe Society is a live s&m performance group. I'll definitely post when we will be doing stuff that public can come see. Lots of b-days this month, I need more money just for damn presents. I have a feeling x-mas is going to be slim this year. Lots of bakeing. I wish I could find a special someone. It's been quite some time since I have even felt that way. For the longest time I have been pushing people away when they get to close. Now I feel like as long as the person is open minded and patient I could do the relationship thing again. Maybe I'm just lonely right now and being needy. I probably don't NEED a special someone, just want someone to care and listen to me everyday about what's going on right now in my life, someone to help out with things like keeping my schedule together for me and make sure I get to where I need to be. I want a lap to curl up in. yuck!! I'm being such a baby right now. ewwww

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Date:2003-10-08 19:06
Subject:Work,home,blah blah
Security:Public
Mood: frustrated

Well I was supposed to meet with the landlord yesturday but he didn't make it. Hope we get the paper work done very very soon. I really hope to be moving in November 1st!!!! Breakfast club is on t.v. mistress laura is in session with really loud fleetwood mac on and I need money and time off to arrange shit. Change gym membership,pick up boxes,start packing. Should write out budget tonight. Love doing that shit. Have been recently thinking I would love to do receptionist personal asst. work. I never played house as a kid. I allways loved playing office. My mother and grandmother have allways worked in medical offices and I think that is where my infatuatio began. I love the smell of carbon, fileing, making appts. shit like that. Would love to learn more about computers and be able to type without looking . Stuff to play with working on next year. Just joined a stage/live s&m group called Severe Society, very excited.

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Date:2003-10-05 13:52
Subject:At work
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

Went to Dungeon last night and got lots of b-day spankins!! My ass is soo sore right now. Love my new asian dress I got from melissa. Last night was so awkward. There were alot of poeple I usually keep seperate around each other, it went as well as it could. I wish I could go back to bed. I am so excited!! I am supposed to be signing papers for an apt. this tues morning!! As long as he doesn't raise the rent like he said then everything will be awesome!! I will really have to bust ass to make money. It's going to be hard but when isn't it really? It's been months since I've written. Guess I should do this more. A friend brought it up recently, glad she did. 4 more hours to go.... Miss you Odey!!

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Date:2003-04-21 22:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: artistic

Sitting talking about how to break gwen stephani and soaking up vicadin and hateing the world, except od.

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